Tell me: what do you do when you find someone attractive? Okay ... then what do you do when that attraction is less mutual than you want? Some may leave it alone altogether; it may hurt too much for that person to be present in your life in any capacity other than what you imagined. Others may go to the other extreme, determined to singlehandedly make love happen, whatever the cost - usually with calamitous results.
Here's what I did: I wrote him a letter. I don't remember the details, but mostly it was about me, my feelings, my hopes for the future. Nothing sappy or desperate like "I love you so much and don't know what I'm going to do if you don't love me back!" because it wasn't love like that (plus, I don't think that's love), but enough about me to give him an opportunity to get to know me. I thought getting it out on paper and into an envelope would make all the inevitable possibilities easier to bear, now with the ease of not having to carry them around. As beautifully written as it was, he never responded to it.
I forgave him eventually, having given up that dream but still believing in the possibility of being able to glean something good, perhaps even a friendship, from someone who always seemed accommodating enough in person. I really tried to show up for that possibility. Each and every time I sent him an instant message, I thought "Maybe I should let him send me a message sometimes ..." for fear of being the very thing I've been accused of today, but succumbing to my need to say whatever I want to say when I want to say it, even if it was just a quick hello. I know my heart and I don't need anyone's permission to express its contents. I wish everyone could believe this about their own hearts.
Today, because he wanted to stop, I had to say goodbye. I think it's for the best. Apparently I'm this person who can't see people outside of my own desire. And, in the midst of my lot of issues, I'm very aggressive. I wonder, though, if my aggression would be as problematic if he wanted me. Nevertheless, I'll continue to roar when I choose to and to whisper when I choose to - when I see fit. I am the roar AND the whisper. There are those who will be confounded, intimidated and uncomfortable hearing me say exactly what I want and seeing me bring that want to fruition. Then there are those who will take it a step further, demanding my silence. To them, I'll say what I said to him: "Take good care and be well." as I set out to wield the power that is my life to realize my dreams.
I don’t find you “aggressive”. Assertive is more accurate when it comes to your emotions. And you have a lot of emotions - that energy has to manifest somehow.
I’m sorry for your disappointment. From your description it seems as if the “goodbye” was for the best. It wasn’t doing you any good. Unrequited attraction/love/lust is an unpleasant pill - on both sides.
Assuming he was not interested in you romantically/sexually (and understanding you have no control on how a person reacts to something you tell them), how would you have preferred him to respond to your letter?
I’m with J,. I don’t find you aggressive. Without knowing the person better, I’d almost think it’s a cop-out excuse.
Glad you were able to move on….
Having been on both sides of the unrequited love scenario, it has been my experience that you can’t make another person love you, no matter how much you want it or try to make it so. Both people have to want each other or it’s wasted energy better spent seeking out that person who will return the feelings.
But sometimes you can never know how the other person feels until you put yourself out there. It took courage to do what you did.
What amazes me is these sisters who go on the Maury Show with men who instantly start calling them “hoes” once the camera starts rolling.
The women take the abuse then stand up ready to fight another woman to the death for the guy.
Mind you, the issue is not that the men call them hoes but that these women somehow managed to fall in love with a man who would publicly do that in the first place.
By the way, Whitmore Publishing is a scam outfit. They make their money ripping off aspiring authors
You mean my love is insufficient? That my platonic adoration will not last you the balance of your days? Color me sobered. hmph!
My romance with langauge often leaves me niggling about semantics, so I’m going to side with j and ej on this one: assertive better suits the situation, as you explain it. Now, if there’s another part of the story that involves you mailing homeboy a pair of your stanky draws and buying kwanzaa gifts for his pets, let a brutha know! :)
otherwise, i join the ranks of the folks who admire your courage and the clarity you’ve reached regarding the agency you possess in bringing your dreams into fruition.
love you. ~L
i dont think you did anything wrong. In fact, you did the RIGHT thing by being honest about you felt about this guy and giving him that letter was a definite and TRUE testament to how you feel about him. The fact that he didnt respect you or what you did enough to at least talk to you about it..he isnt worth your time…
His loss, Donald. it really IS his loss…
very very very interesting thread.
interesting too, the conclusions that are being drawn with only half the story.
I’ll leave well enough alone.
someone’s gotta be the aggressive one — if it was left up to people like me [who do the magical appearing act and pretty much leave it at that when they’re interested], no one would be getttin any.
and someone who finds friendly IMing to be overbearing isn’t worth your time.
enough with the “judgements” about the “someone” overburdened with friendly IM’img (how this flame continues to spread, amazes me. can somebody say “telephone” ? off the hook?).
because i prefer not to bog this blog with my impressions, the other “half of the story” for those interested is here:
http://porchdweller.blogspot.com
Hmmm…my first thought is a simple and popular one: “He’s just not that into you.” And that’s okay (He has that right.), as difficult or painful as it may be for you to accept. Never is it easy to be rejected by the one one seeks to get closer to, lusts, desires—for anyone. And being a member of a “community (Black gay men)” where honesty, self-worth, fraternity and love (and so many other things that are needed to be a more “healthy” and whole person) are in such short supply, it is easy to understand your hurt AND his pain. (Yes, as Mr. West has “outed” himself to us readers, we can see that his wounds are deep, and that he is definitely still in pain—maybe wallowing in it? Having been a serial member of The Broken Hearts Club, I can testify. And I pray for his healing.)
I could go on and on and wax rhetoric and poetic language about the “why?s” of this scenario, but why? The answers are in both of your blogposts (“I’m Very Aggressive” and “The Accused aka ‘Him’”), despite the anonymity (of your blog) and the verbose convolution (of his blog).
It’s this simple: You like(d) Mr. West, a lot. So much so that you put it in writing. (That’s sweet and brave.) Mr. West didn’t like you back—“in that way”—and was too “wounded” or afraid to tell you. (It’s understandable even if it’s unfortunate. And, he is due respect for owning his lack of judgment.) This situation is classic AND ordinary; Rejection 101 and Non-Communication 101.
…I am hoping, both intelligent and articulate men you two are, that this situation is just a breakdown and not a meltdown, and that the two of you can find your way back to each other as “brothers” (with gifts!) in a community that absolutely cannot afford to have either of you less-than-“?” or estranged.
Donald,
Here is piece of Mother’s Wit: If a man wants (likes) you, he’ll let you know. And he’ll SHOW you! Somehow. In some way. No type or amount of busy-ness would be allowed to get in the way. Think about that.